I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
