I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
