I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
