the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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