I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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