Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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