im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
