He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
