I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
