cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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