My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
