This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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