I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
