just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
