im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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