I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Randomize
