i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
