I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
well, you know. whores of a feather.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
