She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
