You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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