is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Randomize
