She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
