Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
