My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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