Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
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