and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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