Dude my mom stole all your condoms
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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