I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
