when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
