I feel great
I just peed on a car
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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