franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Bring me that man meat
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
