im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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