My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
