i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i love accidental penises.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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