captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
