I smell stomach acid.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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