theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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