omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
