I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
where are you?
Hypothermia
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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