I wish they made helmets for livers.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
