It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
