It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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