video games are the ultimate cock blocker
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize