Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
