Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
