She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
