Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
