so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
