life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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