five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
