Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
