Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize