I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
