I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
foreskin is a definite game changer
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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