I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
