Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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