So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
As shirtless as possible
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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