Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
