Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
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