I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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