I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
